Top Ten Things I WON’T Give My Man This Christmas December 22, 2009

Shopping for my husband is nearly impossible. While other men would not be fit to appear in public had their wives not imposed a fashion intervention, my man is very particular about what he wears. The same goes for his penchant for software, hardware, music, video games, tools, boating or camping equipment, you name it. Even when he specifically asks for something, I am left on a wild goose chase to nail down the exact make and model that he would most enjoy…and I am invariably incorrect. 

And, while I am somewhat of a (ahem)  tightwad, my husband is comparatively more loose with his money and will buy exactly what he wants exactly when he wants it. What is boils down to is that it is nearly impossible to shop for gifts for him. To add to the pressure, he is a wonderfully thoughtful and generous gift-giver, who (I just know!) will present me (pun intended) with a variety of intuitive, sentimental yet practical gifts on Christmas morning. Mind you, thanks to his good love and our holiday-crazed offspring, I  already have  everything I’ve ever truly desired, so everything else is Sephora, er, icing on the cake.

I just want to give him something that says: “I know you so well, and here’s X to prove it!”

In the midst of my dilemma (and because I do know him well), I came up with a Top Ten List of gifts that he would–without question–NOT want to receive.

1. Neck ties or woollen scarves (Ties and his neck: nary the twain shall meet)

2. A set of hankies to match the neckties

3. A pocket watch (Among other things, his iPhone does tell the time. Besides, there’s probably a pocket watch app anyway)

4. A man-purse 

5. A gift certificate to get his ear pierced (the only jewelry he has ever acceded to is his wedding ring)

6. A dozen little throw pillows for our bed, each showcasing an applique, sequins or other adornment rendering them “useless” as a pillow.

7. A flask (To quote Jim Gaffigan, “I think giving someone a flask is a nice way of saying: ‘Hey you seem like a drunk on the go… This would be good for you in your car.’”)

8. A software package barring adult online content

9. A carton of cigarrettes (he has a zero tolerance policy on smoking)

10. A life-size cardboard cut-out of Robert Pattinson.

Having the same problem? What WOULDN’T your man want to receive?

Saying good-bye with love December 17, 2009

Earlier this week, we celebrated the life of my dear father-in-law, who was recently taken by Ideopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis. At his funeral, my husband courageously gave the eulogy. With his permission, I’m posting his lovingly chosen words for family and friends who could not be there, and so that we can all pause to remember what an incredible man he was.

My father was a patient, giving, and dependable rock of a human being.  He did more with slivers of fortune than most men could do with a mountain of gold, yet his humility kept him well grounded.  His hand was ever open to the people whom he saw promise in and while occasionally his goodwill was taken advantage of, he never let it cause him to lose faith in the possibility of fruitful enterprise.  He had the uncanny ability to see a future that most others would throw their arms up at and lose faith in.  I should know…I was one of those futures.

He worked hard.  You could say to a fault, but the world in which his loved ones live is radiantly green because of this ethic.  He slept in, but he stayed late.  He knew the details of every single investment he had going at any given time and his execution of entering into and exiting from their folds was flawless…well, a good 95% flawless….let’s say 90…but that 90 most often resulted in windfall.

He had an incredible staff that was always in tune with his business sense.  Some have been around for a long time and some are more recently added, but all that have shared his business vision have given themselves 120%.  And not because he demanded it, but because he warranted it.  His own commitment to excellence brought out the best of the people who worked alongside him.

He loved adventure.  He loved to ski in water and on snow; scuba dive and snorkel; drive fast cars and boats; lay out in the sun with nothing but butter to protect him from the rays of the sun.  Wherever he has gone on to, I am pretty sure there is a bottle of Hawaiian Tropic SPF2 tanning oil in his closet.  He drove Corvettes, Porches, Ferraris…Buick Estate Wagons.  He would fly to exotic locations like Hawaii, Maui, Oahu…

He cherished his friends.  He kept his inner circle small because he knew exactly with whom he felt the most joy and with whom he could trust his life and personal moments.  Those of you who are here today will miss him, I know, but he will remain with you…he will continue to laugh with you and cry with you and enjoy life as long as you do.

He loved two very distinct women in his life.  His first wife gave him five children and the balance that he needed as he found financial success in his hard, hard work.  She raised me and my sisters and nurtured us and gave him the ability to focus on our future.  His second wife helped him to find joy in unity again just earlier this decade and helped him to find the strength needed to face his body’s last fight.  Two amazing women; each helping him to find happiness and strength in this often turbulent existence.

His children, while each completely unique from one another, all seem to be founded on his most important qualities: loyalty, generosity, humility and patience.  And it seems quite clear to me that we are passing those qualities on to our children as well.  A legacy that I believe makes us richer than any amount of material fortune ever could.

The culprit that took him before his prime was Pulmonary Fibrosis; a disease that bookended his life by taking his mother when he was only 13 and his brother, Robert, just earlier this decade.  Maybe it was his familiarity with it that caused him to face it with the strength and stoic determination that he did.  Right to the last two weeks of his life, he had his visitors convinced that they would see him well into 2010.  I saw him as often as anyone who lived outside of his home saw him and I have to tell you…there is no way for a man to behave more courageously, more dignified, more resolute than my father did.  Simply put, he was a rock of a human being.

What the? Almost 1 in 5 people report injuries due to “gift wrap rage” December 16, 2009

Over the years, we’ve all been warned of dangers lurking in holiday celebrations. For instance, poinsettias have long been accused of being poisonous. Snopes.com has confirmed they are actually rather innocuous. Certainly, glass ornaments can pose a potential threat to little ones, but the worst culprit for holiday hopsital visits lies within the the all-consuming rage experienced by would-be gift-recipients in the process of opening a wrapped present.

Yes, you read that right. The act of unwrapping gifts can send people into a rage resulting in personal injury.

According to a poll of Pennsylvania adults, about 17% of Pennsylvanians experienced an injury or knows someone who was injured (such as receiving a cut that required medical attention) while opening gifts during past seasons.

According to the American Dialect Society, wrap rage is defined as anger brought on by the frustration of trying to open a factory-sealed purchase. The organization recognized the term in 2007 as one of the “most useful.”

A March 2006 story in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette  quoted Todd Marks, a senior editor at Consumer Reports, as saying, “Today’s packages force consumers to fight tooth and nail to get at what’s inside.”

The same article also claims that 2001 Census Bureau data shows people suffer twice the injuries from packaging than injuries from skateboards or swimming pools.

I guess this proves it truly is better to give than to receive.

As we enter the holiday season, avoid an unnecessary trip to the emergency room by following these tips:

1. If you must use a knife or another type of sharp object, cut away from your body.
2. If you must use scissors, use ones with blunt tips.
3. Wear protective gloves.
4. Avoid opening tough-to-open packages in a crowded area.
5. Don’t use your legs to keep the product stable.

For our children’s good pleasure (and to free us from having to work through all the little twist-ties and clamshell packaging while our children practically vibrate with anticipation) we, er, Santa will be displaying much of our children’s gifts front and center in our children’s little play area. On Christmas morning, we will open the door to reveal ready-to-play-with toys… without the fear of injury, or the excess waste paper.

5 Ways to Teach Your Kids the True Spirit of the Holidays December 15, 2009

The holiday gift-giving season is an appropriate time to involve children in charitable giving and teach them why the old adage, “It is better to give than to receive,” is true.  Here, courtesy of the amazing people at World Vision, are five great ways for parents to lead by example and teach their children the true spirit of the holidays.

Five ways for parents to teach children the true spirit of the holidays

1.  As a family, select a charitable organization you’d like to support. Use online tools like Charity Navigator to find an organization that you trust. Give your children a budget and encourage them to decide how your family will donate to that organization this holiday. (In our family, we are supporitng the Pulmonary Fibrosis Foundation.)

2.  Cherish the stories of your family. Have your children talk to their grandparents and write down the stories of their past. Create a book to share with the entire family or record it online through Story Corps.

3. Consider do-it-yourself gifts, like no-sew fleece blankets, that you can make with your children. Donate those blankets to a local homeless shelter. Find other homemade gift ideas at About.com’s Family Crafts page.

4. Work with your children to create a coupon book for your neighbors that might need an extra hand this year.  Coupons could include shoveling their sidewalk, watching their children, or providing a meal.

5.  Bake cookies or sweets with your children and deliver them to your local nursing home or school-in-need. Get started with this list of holiday recipes.

Despite the recession, Devin Hermanson, a charitable giving expert and national director of World Vision’s Gift Catalog sales, reports charitable giving figures arehigher than last year’s figures at this time.

“The holiday season can be a stressful time of year. There are gifts to purchase and wrap, cookies to bake, and family and friends to visit, but when we pause to help our neighbors in need, we all experience Christmas in a more meaningful way,” says Hermanson.

For each item in World Vision’s Gift Catalog, the giver makes the purchase in the name of a friend, family member or business associate. World Vision then sends special cards to those individuals, describing the gifts and their impact. Last year alone, World Vision’s Gift Catalog raised $25 million and provided assistance to more than 500,000 people worldwide. The Gift Cataloglaunched in 1996, and while a goat ($75) is still World Vision’s number one seller, there are many affordable items for $35 or less.

Baby’s language development starts in the womb December 5, 2009

Surprisingly, the sound of a newborn’s cry varies from hospital to birthing center around the world. Two babies born at the same moment in two different countries will cry a melodic rendition of their parents’ mother tongue, according to  a new study published by Current Biology. The findings suggest that infants begin picking up elements of what will be their first language in the womb, and certainly long before their first babble or coo.

“The dramatic finding of this study is that not only are human neonates capable of producing different cry melodies, but they prefer to produce those melody patterns that are typical for the ambient language they have heard during their fetal life, within the last trimester of gestation,” said Kathleen Wermke of the University of Würzburg in Germany. “Contrary to orthodox interpretations, these data support the importance of human infants’ crying for seeding language development.”

In many ways, this news shouldn’t come as any surprise. Early studies have already shown us:

• Human fetuses are able to memorize sounds from the external world by the last trimester of pregnancy, with a particular sensitivity to melody contour in both music and language. (Anyone who has played a particular song or music while pregnant is delighted when baby shows recognition and preference for it!)
• Newborns prefer their mother’s voice over other voices and perceive the emotional content of messages conveyed via intonation contours in maternal speech (a.k.a. “motherese”).
• Earlier studies of vocal imitation had shown that infants can match vowel sounds presented to them by adult speakers, but only from 12 weeks on. That skill depends on vocal control that just isn’t physically possible much earlier, the researchers explain.

Although prenatal exposure to native language was known to influence newborns’ perception, scientists had thought that the surrounding language affected sound production much later, the researchers said. It now appears that isn’t so.

Wermke’s team recorded and analyzed the cries of 60 healthy newborns, 30 born into French-speaking families and 30 born into German-speaking families, when they were three to five days old. That analysis revealed clear differences in the shape of the newborns’ cry melodies, based on their mother tongue.

Specifically, French newborns tend to cry with a rising melody contour, whereas German newborns seem to prefer a falling melody contour in their crying. Those patterns are consistent with characteristic differences between the two languages, Wermke said.

“Imitation of melody contour, in contrast, is merely predicated upon well-coordinated respiratory-laryngeal mechanisms and is not constrained by articulatory immaturity,” the researchers write. “Newborns are probably highly motivated to imitate their mother’s behavior in order to attract her and hence to foster bonding. Because melody contour may be the only aspect of their mother’s speech that newborns are able to imitate, this might explain why we found melody contour imitation at that early age.”

1. Mampe et al. Newborns’ Cry Melody Is Shaped by Their Native Language. Current Biology, November 5, 2009; DOI: 10.1016/j.cub.2009.09.064

The gifts of loaves and fishes December 3, 2009

I wrote this story for the December 2009 issue of San Clemente Presbyterian’s NewsBreak.

Shortly before the first Christmas, Joseph informed his betrothed, the very pregnant Mary, that she would be undertaking a lengthy trip, by donkey, over rough terrain. If you’ve ever traveled a long distance as—or with—a woman in her final days of gestation, you understand that Mary may have endured some of the worst holiday travel in history. How do you say, are we there yet in Aramaic?

When the couple arrived in Bethlehem and could find only shelter with livestock, from the standpoint of modern marriage, I have to wonder whether they were reduced to squabbling, stress, or simply exhausted disappointment.

And then a miracle occurred.

Mary gave birth and wrapped the Child who would be Prince of Peace in mere swaddling clothes—and she and Joseph marveled at the knowledge that His birth was as God ordained.

For many families, anticipation of the holidays brings a combination of joy, fond memories—and anxiety. We are already busy enough. How can we afford all these gifts? What about broken or tense relations between relatives, families suffering from divorce, separation, or job loss? Are we blessed on our own bumpy road to Bethlehem?

Christmas offers a bright new possibility of giving the peace of Christ–that we might know Christ’s peace.

This Advent, let us extend our God-given forgiveness to one another. Certainly, you can’t give away what you don’t have. But, through Him, we have all been forgiven–and indeed abundantly so. When we choose not to judge (or begrudge), and let go of past wrong-doings, that small yet tremendously healing gesture is multiplied exponentially, much like loaves and fishes.

Ask yourself whether you want to be right or have peace; Do you want restitution or resolution? Discard all “debts” owed to you, or your personal circumstances, by having the courage to look upon them as Jesus does–with infinite love and potential–and in doing so you will find peace.

Offer yourself the same mercy: Forgive yourself your past failings. Jesus does. Amend for long hours of work or worry by laughing with your children, spending time with your spouse, family, or a neighbor in need. As the body of Christ, within us lies the Holy Spirit, and we can help move His grace through the world by doing His work, and in doing so be lifted up.

Tips for Reducing Your Child’s Holiday Stress November 24, 2009

We all want to enjoy the holidays–to take some much-needed downtime to reconnect with our favorite people, eat good food, and have a laugh while remembering old times. Even if we are master stress-busters, 100% committed to a lifestyle of nutrition, adequate sleep and physical exercise, and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, if our over-booked, over-fed, over-stimulated child has a meltdown, we are likely to be led down our own rocky path to Meltdownville.  

Dr. Charlotte Reznick is a child educational psychologist, an associate clinical professor of psychology at UCLA, and author of a new book, The Power of Your Child’s Imagination: How to Transform Stress and Anxiety into Joy and Success (say that three times fast!). Here are her tips for helping every member of your family, both large and small, to have a relaxing, joyful, happy holiday.

Visualize a heart-filled holiday.
You can do this one at the dinner table. Have everyone in the family close their eyes, focus on their heart, and imagine what kind of holiday will bring joy into their heart. Then share your ideas around the table. This helps kids feel listened to, cared for, and included.
 
Spread the joy around.
The time-honored tradition of helping others can shift priorities. If kids or teens are moping around or showing signs of stress, take them to the local soup kitchen to serve meals. Visit a nursing home with hand-made cards. Helping others gives kids a feeling of more control and a sense of being both useful and appreciated.
 
Blow out negativity, light up hope.
Create a family ritual of hope. Have two candles for each family member: one lit, one not. Have each imagine what they’d like to let go of — what no longer serves them — and say, “I’m going to toss this out (anger, worry, meanness to my sister) when I blow this candle out.”  Then light a new candle and share, “I hope to bring in (kindness, faith, cleaning my room) as I light anew.” Let go of the old and bring in the new.
 
Give distress a voice.
If this is your child’s the first holiday without a loved one–grandpa passed away, or big sister is in Afghanistan–younger family members may feel a deep sense of loss. Or maybe your child is feeling the stress of a recent divorce. Give her paper and markers, and ask her to draw whatever is making her sad or mad. Then ask her what the picture wants to say out loud. Often, putting a face on an emotion and letting it “speak” makes the child feel better–and gives the parent a way to understand what’s going on.
 
Sweat is sweet.
Kids (and adults) can get all pent up during holiday time. Surprise little ones by clearing the furniture out of the center of the room, turning on some fun music, and dancing vigorously for 10 minutes. Or bundle up the family and take a wintry walk while playing “I Spy.” Exercise releases feel-good chemicals and is one of the fastest ways to chase away holiday blahs and instill a sense of togetherness.

Psychotherapy–not more money–increases happiness November 22, 2009

Feeling down? Money tight? Wouldn’t it be wonderful if your lottery ticket was the big winner? Or, perhaps more realistically, you finally received a much-needed raise and were able pay back all your debt? Happiness at last. Right?

Research by the University of Warwick and the University of Manchester finds that psychological therapy could be 32 times more cost effective at making you happy than simply obtaining more money. The research has obvious implications for general public health.

Chris Boyce of the University of Warwick and Alex Wood of the University of Manchester compared large data sets where thousands of people had reported on their well-being. They then looked at how well-being changed due to therapy compared to getting sudden increases in income, such as through lottery wins or pay rises.

They found that a four-month course of psychological therapy had a large effect on well-being. They then showed that the increase in well-being from an £800 ($1,318.56 USD) course of therapy was so large that it would take a pay rise of over £25,000 (a whopping $41,205 USD) to achieve an equivalent increase in well-being. The research therefore demonstrates that psychological therapy could be 32 times more cost effective at making you happy than simply obtaining more money.

Governments pursue economic growth in the belief that it will raise the well-being of its citizens. However, the research suggests that more money only leads to tiny increases in happiness and is an inefficient way to increase the happiness of a population. This research suggests that if policy makers were concerned about improving well-being they would be better off increasing the access and availability of mental health care as opposed to increasing economic growth.

The researchers further draw on two striking pieces of independent evidence to illustrate their point– over the last 50 years developed countries have not seen any increases to national happiness in spite of huge economic gains. Mental health on the other hand appears to be deteriorating worldwide. The researchers argue that resources should be directed towards the things that have the best chance of improving the health and happiness of our nations — investment in mental health care by increasing the access and availability of psychological therapy could be a more effective way of improving national well-being than the pursuit of income growth.

I might add that this be approached with a wide-open perspective on “therapy.” Aside from traditional talk therapy with an accredited professional, we must allow ample access to art therapy, yoga and/or tai chi, religious/spiritual counseling, Qi Gong, 12-step groups, accupressure, dietary and nutritional counseling, etc. I would also caution against laying too much importance on those therapists with the power to prescribe. This country is already grossly over-prescribed, when so many other forms of therapy exist.

The research also has important implications for the way in which “pain and suffering” is compensated in courts of law. Currently the default way in which individuals are compensated is with financial compensation. The research suggests that this is an inefficient way at repairing psychological harm following traumatic life events and that a more effective remedy would be to offer psychological therapy.

University of Warwick researcher Chris Boyce said: “We have shown that psychological therapy could be much more cost effective than financial compensation at alleviating psychological distress. This is not only important in courts of law, where huge financial awards are the default way in which pain and suffering are compensated, but has wider implications for public health and well-being.”

“Often the importance of money for improving our well-being and bringing greater happiness is vastly over-valued in our societies. The benefits of having good mental health, on the other hand, are often not fully appreciated and people do not realize the powerful effect that psychological therapy, such as non-directive counselling, can have on improving our well-being.”

Journal Reference:

1.Boyce et al. Money or mental health: the cost of alleviating psychological distress with monetary compensation versus psychological therapy. Health Economics Policy and Law, 2009; 1 DOI: 10.1017/S1744133109990326

Teens, sex, and family dinners: Parent/teen relationships count November 21, 2009

Concerned about your teen engaging in sex at a young age? A new Child Trends research brief, Parents Matter: The Role of Parents in Teens’ Decisions about Sex, explores how your behavior and practices as a parent, and the qaulity of your relationship with your adolescent can make an impact on the probability of first sex by age 16.  

 The Role of Parents in Teens’ Decisions about Sex

• Better parent-adolescent relationships are associated with reduced risk of early sexual experience among teen girls.
  • Teen girls who reported high relationship quality with both parents were less likely to have sex at an early age (22%), compared with teen girls who reported low relationship quality with both parents (37%).
  • This finding holds true for teen girls’ relationships with their mothers and fathers separately, but no significant association was found for teen boy
• Teen boys who eat dinner with their family every day have a lower probability of having sex before age 16 (31%), compared with those who eat dinner with their family four days a week or less (37%). No significant association was found for teen girls on this measure.
• Adolescents whose parents are more aware of whom they are with when not at home are less likely to have sex by age 16. For example, only 22% of girls who reported that their parents knew “everything” about whom they were with when they were not home had first sex before age 16, compared with 43% who reported their parents knew little or nothing.

“These findings highlight the importance of parents in adolescents’ lives,” said study co-author Jennifer Manlove, Ph.D. ”Parents can be involved beyond having the ’sex talk’ with their adolescents, by fostering strong relationships, developing family routines such as eating dinner together regularly, and being aware of where their children are when they are not at home.”
 
This study is based on data from the National Longitudinal Survey of Youth, sponsored and directed by the Bureau of Labor Statistics, U.S. Department of Labor.

It’s not to early to begin 10 New Year’s resolutions for weight “release” November 19, 2009

The actor Freeman Michaels MA, who played Drake Belson on The Young and the Restless in the mid-1990s, is now a nationally known weight-release coach and seminar leader, and author of a new book about his successful approach, called Weight Release: A Liberating Journey (Morgan James Publishing, $16.95).

Before we take those first bites of turkey, stuffing and pumpkin pie, it might be useful to take a moment ot listen to Michaels’ approach to eating and weight loss, and how it can affect (for better or worse) our self image. 
 
“If you’re like I was when my weight ballooned to 275 pounds a few years ago,” he shares, “you’re probably wondering if you’ll ever again have that healthy feeling of being light, quick, and carefree. For some, childhood may have been the last time you were at a size and weight that felt good. Take heart! You can begin to release weight by following my 10 New Year’s resolutions. I’m more than 70 pounds lighter now, thanks to a self-care practice I developed and that is helping hundreds of others do it too.”

Curious? Here are tips from his new book: 

1. Stop thinking of weight in terms of “loss.” Food and eating behaviors have provided comfort to you. When we focus only on “losing” the weight without dealing with the underlying purpose those behaviors have served, we’re apt to “find” it again.
2. Replace self-judgment with self-compassion. Self-judgments–I’m fat, I’m unattractive, I’m undisciplined–are roadblocks to releasing weight. Learn to be compassionate toward the part of you that holds shame, blame, or guilt, and you’ll begin to release the weight of unresolved issues. Actual weight release will result.
3. Stay in the safe zone. Identify some “safe zones”–areas or people with whom you feel safe. Establish who might be allies in your weight release journey and find places where you feel comfortable being yourself.
4. Minimize bad days. For many of us, bad days can quickly translate into bad days of eating. Practice unplugging from negative people energetically in order to create your own positive reality.
5.  See slips as teachers. When you catch yourself in a negative pattern around food, don’t slide into self-criticism. Instead, ask yourself what’s going on with you that wants to be addressed.
6. Change something–anything. Make a change, preferably something you have resistance to, that has nothing to do with food, diet, or exercise–e.g., rearrange your bedroom. Note how the mere act of changing something affects you emotionally.
7.  Plan to “snack consciously.” Buy and prepare foods you can snack on throughout the day. Schedule in snacks twice or more per day; don’t wait until you’re starving.
8. Eat before you eat out.  Before you go out to dinner, eat a healthy snack so you’re not impulsive and motivated by hunger when ordering.
9.  Prepare “meal” affirmations. Before you eat, say a silent affirmation. Examples: “I choose to eat what my body needs,” or “I love my body, and I offer it sustenance.”
10.  Embrace discomfort. “Comfort food” suggests the presence of discomfort. The goal is to embrace the discomfort and allow it to be your teacher and your guide. It will lead you to the unmet needs that are causing anxiety or distress–and influencing the way you eat and think about food.