Is Time-Out a harmful method of discipline? November 24, 2010

We are not spankers. Certainly, there have been times when my boys have pushed me to the point where I’ve given it serious thought. But what does hitting teach? Only that hitting is OK. And it’s not, in my opinion. What’s more, a smack in the rear doesn’t resolve the initial conflict.

Over the last five and a half years of parenting, my husband and I have relied heavily on time-outs, using the age-to-minutes ratio often “recommended.” It has done precious little to alleviate undesirable behavior and offers more to us as parents in the form of a moment to clear our own heads (which should not go undervalued.)

Kimberley Clayton Blaine, , MA, MFT, is the executive producer of the online parenting show TheGoToMom and author of The Go-To Mom’s Parents’ Guide to Emotion Coaching Young Children, and The Internet Mommy, says too many time-outs may be ineffective at best, and downright harmful at worst. She suggests kids subjected to repeated time-outs may develop poor emotion control because they are left alone without support and validation when they need it most. “Empathy is truly the foundation for effective parenting, and it is also necessary in creating a stronger bond between parent and child,” she adds. “Time-outs are the antithesis of that.”

Blaine advocates an alternate method that takes into account a child’s developmental limitations and that serves as guidance rather than punishment. For children over two, she suggests using a “cool-down” or “thinking time” instead. Not only is this method gentle, it keeps the parent by the child’s side to help him learn to calm himself down and think through what happened. (Incidentally, for babies two and under, Blaine recommends distraction and redirection instead. At this age your baby is simply too young to understand the concept of a thinking time; instead, give him a new item of interest or move him to an exciting location.)

Here are Blaine’s steps teach you how to use a cool-down or thinking time successfully:

Get down at your child’s level. Be sure to maintain good eye contact; give a warning and ask if what she is doing is “okay” or “not okay.” If your child doesn’t calm down or stop the unacceptable behavior, then lead him to a “quiet area” or “thinking area.” Sit with him and offer assistance and love. Remember, this is not a punishment.

Be aware that time is not important—having your child calm down is. Disregard the “one minute times your child’s age” stance that most use as a guide. Don’t give a five-year-old “five minutes to think”; sometimes the older child needs only a minute or two to come up with a better solution. On the other hand, a younger child may need to cuddle or sit with you for ten minutes until she’s calm. As you’re sitting there, empathize, validate and reflect what you see. An understood child is less likely to be fraught. Once your child is calm, ask him to tell you “what’s wrong” or “what’s going on.” Restate the problem again more clearly if he has difficulty.

Ask your child, “What will you do differently next time?” Name the expected behavior if she doesn’t know. Thank your child for helping you come up with a solution. It’s important that he hears this positive reinforcement.

Set the expectation for the future by wrapping up with, “If you don’t listen next time, what will happen?” Inform your child that you will take actions to help and that you will not tolerate unacceptable behavior.

“Responding to your child in a reasonable, calm and patient manner is absolutely vital in building a connection,” says Blaine. “And, after all, connection is the key ingredient in helping guide our children. Punishment, on the other hand, forces a disconnection that undermines the goal of helping them someday become independent.”

On the surface, I really like this approach, but it might be unrealistic. Blaine seems to overlook that some behavior is not just inappropriate or undesirable but downright unacceptable.  I have to wonder if my child would mistake my “validation and positive reinforcement” for a direct signal that it’s OK to use bad behavior, because there really are no consequences. Mommy will be right there with a hug and a kiss when rules are broken, just like she is when good behavior occurs. So what’s the difference?  He is rewarded either way.

Perhaps it is only my short-coming, but I am driven to great sadness when my boys are unkind to one another. Hurtful deeds including punching, pushing or “you’re-not-my-friend-ing” make me so upset. My worst fear is that, as they grow in muscularity and power, they may one day do actual harm to one another. And on a deeper level, I want them as siblings to be close throughout their lives, to stand up for each other and hold one another in the highest esteem. We are family and we love and encourage one another, at all times. At least, that’s what I keep telling them! So, when this happens I separate them through time-out. From where I stand, you can’t continue to play with someone you are harming. When we’ve all had a moment to calm our heads, I do go and talk to the perpetrator and reinforce our loving, gentle treatment of one another and after they hug, say sorry, and accept the apology, they may continue playing together again…until the next infraction, that is.

Do you have an effective, loving method of discipline? Please comment below!

Toy Story 3, the end of preschool and holding on and letting go June 24, 2010

Laden with teachers’ gifts and a sense of anticipation for what the summer might offer, my little boys joyfully ran to their preschool classrooms for their final day before summer break.

Much like the first day I left them at preschool, I cried the whole drive home. I’ve planned a rather complex web of summer activities for us, so they have much to look forward to. My sadness comes from how quickly it is all passing by.

In September, my oldest will enter kindergarten. I can’t help but recall the countless hours I spent researching and visiting preschools, understanding what a significant impact his first five years will have on the rest of his life, his approach to education, his ability to socialize, his future success…

I know it seems cliche, but it really does seem like such a short time ago that I gave birth to my oldest son Joseph, and now his younger brother is three and leaving little bits of his baby life behind him every day as he leaps toward little boyhood. In fact, I’m beginning to cry again as I write this. My babies are growing up!

Last night, we went to see Toy Story 3, and if you are going through anything similar with your children, it might be tough to watch. I remember the first time I saw the original Toy Story movie. It was 1995, and I was 24 years old. I was babysitting the niece and nephew of my boyfriend at the time, and we watched it on VHS. I sat there for the length of show with my jaw hanging. I couldn’t believe how much children’s movies had changed since I was a kid! I loved it.

At the beginning of my career, I was old enough (more or less) to be Andy’s mother, but at the same time, I could perceive the story with warm memories of being a child. Seeing Andy last night as a 17-year-old boy preparing to leave for college was an emotional blow I had not in any way expected. Enough time had elapsed for that character to grow up, and I had gotten older along with him. Yes, I’m aware it’s just a movie with a fictional character, thank you.

However, with my youngest perched in my lap, and my oldest at my side I was suddenly aware that my first experience of Toy Story hadn’t seemed so far in the distance, yet when the exact amount of time elapses again, my children will be 17 and 20 years old!

TS3 is about change: the agony of watching the toys long for the carefree joy of children’s imaginative play (with the understanding that their playmate would and should continue to his next milestone) and the support of Andy’s mother who is proud of her son’s succession toward college, while also wishing she “could be with him all the time.”

Don’t we all want that? To hold our children in our arms forever, while at the same time teaching them independence, encouraging them to make  and achieve personal goals, to be courageous, forgiving, and to grow in maturity?

As the poet Kahlil Gibran said about raising children, “For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday. You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.”

With the summer ahead, I intend to savor each precious day. Before long I’ll be helping them pack for college.

On a side note, I do agree with Seattle Times writer Moira Macdonald; this movie was more for adults than children. My husband and I were in disbelief about how it could ever have received a G rating. There is a prolonged near-death scene with the threat of violent, hopeless demise, the toys are imprisoned and in some cases tortured. Yes, I remember Sid Philips tortured and imprisoned toys in TS2, but among the toys themselves (who have always been peers) there was a cruelty and meanness we haven’t seen before in the TS trilogy. Lotso’s turn toward the dark side as a result of a singular incident was so complete and utterly terrifying when you consider that he is a child’s plaything. In the other movies, tough times happened and the toys always found a way to learn from it and grow from the experience.  From our perspective, Toys Story 3 should be rated PG.

Noah’s our Allstar: “I do my by self!” June 14, 2010

When I woke up yesterday morning, Noah was singing Smash Mouth‘s Allstar so clearly, I thought it was his older brother. I quickly grabbed our new Kodak zi8 (a family gift to celebrate our wedding anniversary!) Here he is, singing a much quieter, shyer version, but I like his intuitive finale—raising his shirt. An authenthic rock star move, wouldn’t you say?

He is becoming increasingly independent. While his big brother runs directly to the action (hi! Can I play?) Noah always marches to his own drum, all the while observing the other children. Inevitably, they are observing him too, and often try to come join his game or project. (He’ll gladly welcome them, as long as they don’t try to touch his toys!) At school, if Noah is dancing, he soon has a crowded dancefloor around him; but, before long he’ll duck out and run off to find his next solo adventure.

His new mantra is:  ”I do my by self!”

He doesn’t want anyone to help him, but he hasn’t quite got the grammar down to express it. I haven’t been correcting him because it always cracks me up, and besides, I know he’ll soon get it right. I still miss “I can’t want it!”, his older brother’s past retort from younger days.

And while I am trying to teach him the difference between wildflowers and manicured landscaping, I adore his habit of always wanting to give me a “fwower.” He picks it “wif my stwong muscles” and expects me to put it behind my ear—always delivering it with a kiss. Ahh, he steals my heart every day.

Catching up with the kidlets: Spring 2010 June 7, 2010

It’s been far too long since I’ve posted pictures for Gramma and Grampa in Canada to see. These little gems are from Spring 2010.

Just last week, my 5-year-old Joseph surprised us all by suddenly passing Level One after only FOUR swimming lessons! He has always been a big fan of his bath, and he loves to go in pools and to the beach, but he has always been very nervous to try to leave the edge and try to learn to swim. When he was a baby, I took him to parent-and-me classes at our local rec center, but it was mostly water-bonding and blowing motorboat. And fun, of course!

This summer, I made the commitment to put the boys in “real” swim lessons and signed them up to work together in semi-private lessons at Waterworks Aquatics, thanks to a referral from my friend Kristianne Koch. Waterworks is amazing, but costs a pretty penny. Kristianne’s son Merrik went there as an infant and with his parents’ help and encouragement, was boogie-boarding and beginning to surf last summer at age four… for hours!

Anyway, Joseph was very excited and curious about swim lessons–but I could tell he was nervous. His little brother Noah was beyond excited. When I put Noah in the water, I need to stay right next to him because he will simply leap forward into the deep water, fully expecting to be able to swim. He is confidence personified. In order to get the boys prepared for swimming (and to bring Joseph’s courage up to his little brother’s level) I began listing all the things they’ll be able to do once they can swim:

• Pretend you are dolphins!
• Pretend you are sharks!
• Pretend you are mermaids! (hey, who isn’t curious about mermaids at some point?)
• Have swim races for prizes!
• Dive for treasure!

OK, for the first four items, they were cheering! With each new idea the cheers grew louder and louder until I said, “dive for treasure.” Noah’s joy came to a crashing halt. Joseph continued to bubble with enthusiasm: “I know! We can put treasure into a treasure box, and put it at the bottom of the pool, then DIVE for it!!”

All the color drained from Noah’s face.  He did not share these dreams. He did not want to go to the bottom of the pool, not for any treasure of any kind. I’d overshot the mark, and toppled the confidence meter. Now Joseph was desperate to get in the water and Noah was clinging to the edge in fear. What was I thinking?

Over the first two lessons, Joseph worked very hard, and while I could see that he has reservations, he set aside his fear and powered through. Noah cried and cried, so I’ve let him sit out until he tells me he wants to try again, and transferred our pre-paid lesson package to Joseph. If there’s one thing about Noah, he has an uncanny ability to figure things out. At age three, he is almost as good at riding his bicycle as his older brother.

I’ve never seen Joseph so focused. I sit where I can see him and give the “thumb’s up” when he looks my way, but I am otherwise removed from his lesson. From the beginning, he was equally cautious and determined. I am so pleased to see him resolve his own inner conflict of fear, choosing to try instead. His teacher is very matter-of-fact. She doesn’t overflow with positive reinforcement, but she doesn’t appear disappointed either when he doesn’t get it right the first time. She simply offers more and more chances to try, in different ways. When I saw him swim down almost four feet to get a toy, I just knew how thrilled he must have been.

I’m so proud of him–It is incredibly rewarding to watch your child decide to meet a goal, and to make his own efforts to achieve that goal. I always reward the spirit of “never giving up” because if we persevere, we can do the things we want to do. I have seen him be frustrated when building with his Legos, and the huge sense of accomplishment that arrives when he figures out to create what he sees in his mind. But learning to swim requires trusting the capabilities of your whole body, entering an unfamiliar world and letting go. When success comes, it is sweet indeed.

Healing gallstones naturally, a closer look April 16, 2010

Yesterday I posted my story of an emergency laparoscopic appendectomy that left me reeling with the news that I have large stones in my gallbladder. I saw them on my CT scan film, and of course my surgeon didn’t help when she said, “it could rupture tomorrow, or you may not feel symtoms for some time. Either way, it needs to come out.”

As I stated yesterday, I simply don’t accept this as the solution and I’m certain there are other ways to treat it. I announced immediately that I would undergo a gallstone flush using a fast, which clearly alarmed my husband. He called and had an earful for me about how there are dangers involved with such flushes, and that my gallstones have a lot of traveling to do before they are evacuated and there is a risk of pancreatitis–something that occurred to one of his employees’ relatives when she tried a similar measure.

• Learn more about the gallbladder’s function here.
• See numerous links to clinical studies about the potential for acute pancreatitis as the result of a gallstone or liver flush

All drama aside, I do need to approach my health rationally and thoughtfully. I’m still shocked that this could even happen to me. I have finally found an MD who shares my ideals for food as medicine, alternative natural treatments before pharmaceuticals and surgery. She is as surprised as I am to hear of my condition, and when we meet next week for the first time, we’ll be discussing other causes of gallstones, besides the usual suspects: high cholestral/high fat diets, multilple pregnancies, being over the age of sixty, being obese, etc. I am entirely atypical. There is a possibility I have too much estrogen? We’ll look into it.

As I recover from my appendectomy, I am resolute about this: I don’t want to have to recover from a similar surgery in the future. I am also suddenly, for the first time in my life, afraid of food. Not in the way one might be afraid after watching Food, Inc., Supersize Me, or Fast Food Nation, but genuinely afraid my gallstone might rupture if I eat the wrong thing. (My perforated appendix didn’t exactly tickle.) If you’ve read my other blog (UnassumingFoodie), you know how tragic this is for me. (As it would be for anyone.) I’ve spent half my life eating a highly nutritious, all natural diet, so I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I can adopt a new eating lifestyle. The first step is going to be to learn everything I can about a gallbladder-friendly diet and begin making changes.

A good, gallbladder-friendly diet includes:

• A lacto-vegetarian diet is best: Only non- or low-fat dairy (Thank goodness I’ll be able to hold onto my favorite 0% fat Greek yogurt and non-fat frozen yogurt!). But, that means no eggs–and no other animal products, even lean chicken or pork. (If I have trouble in this area, I’ll just have to rewatch any of the movies mentioned above. That’ll crush my craving.)
• Daily consumption of fresh veggie juices, 100 ml each of carrots, cucumbers and beets. Hmm.
• Plenty of apples, pears, watercress, grapes, and oranges–YUM
• Plenty of veggies–YUM
• Nuts, lentils, beans, etc. No problem! Love it!

Things to avoid:

• No animal products: No meat, chicken, pork, high-cholestral seafood, eggs
• No high-fat dairy: butter, high fat cheeses, ice cream (may lose some tears over this)
• No refined carbohydrates: No problem! I only eat super-high-fiber/high protein breads, tortillas and cereals. And then only in moderation.
• No sugar: I don’t eat refined carbs, so this isn’t SO much of an issue… But what about birthday cakes? Christmas treats? Is anything sacred?
• Processed or de-natured foods: Yuck, good riddance!

On the fence/Needs more investigation:

• Chocolate. Well, let’s be serious now. I’ll need to talk to my doctor, but this is an area of highest importance to me. I love chocolate with 70% or more cacao, and I’m not about to wave bye-bye to it forever. I’ll have to investigate how much I can get away with, and how frequently.
• Coffee. Some of the information I’ve read say that 2-3 cups per day help patients avoid the formation of stones. Other info states that coffee causes stones. Must do more research.
• Alcohol. Same as above. Some information claims that half a glass of red daily should help. Others say that alcohol is a big no-no. I’m wondering if the “alcohol” that causes the problem is high-sugar alcoholic beverages such as white wine or mixed drinks, hard liquor, 0r malt/carb-laden beverages. Like the health properties of chocolate, red wine offers more than a complement to a good meal.

Emergency appendectomy?! And how to heal gall stones naturally April 15, 2010

This week has been a tough one. And it’s only Thursday.

On the weekend, we realized our boys had gotten lice. Eew, I know. I don’t think it was from school, because they have checked everyone and washed everything, and no lice were found. We did go see How To Train Your Dragon, so it’s possible we could have gotten it at the movie theatre. All it takes is a strand of infected hair. Let me emphasize: lice is the last thing you want your children to have. Our boys are both sporting buzz cuts now, and we are (fingers crossed!) lice free.

Beginning Monday, we were of course housebound, which means the kids were bouncing off the walls. And then they started to develop coughs. And then suddenly my side started to hurt. I just wanted to go to bed, and the pain got worse and worse. I went to see the doctor on Tuesday morning, and it was difficult to diagnose what was happening because I was presenting symptoms of acute appendicitis, but the pain was around my gallbladder. So, off to an ultrasound. Same problem. The tech was looking for my appendix, but I was complaining of pain around my gallbladder. So, off to a CT scan. We find out my appendix has traveled up and was next to my gall bladder–which happens to be filled with large stones.

Nearly everyone has gallstones, but mine are pretty large. This is very unusual for me, because gallstones are typically the result of a high-fat, high-sugar diet. But, I digress. By the time I was out of the CT scan and back in my clothes, the radiologist and my doctor were making plans to admit me to the hospital to have my appendix out that evening. Fantastic!

So, here I am, a day and half past my laparoscopic appendectomy. I’m tired, sore and I look like I have three bullet holes in my tummy. (I’m told the scars will be very small, however.) This weekend, we are celebrating Noah’s 3rd birthday at a waterpark–I guess I’ll be poolside with a full cover up. Or maybe I shoot bite the bullet and just buy a one-piece for once?

Anyway, they want me to go back in to remove my gall bladder. I’m having none of it. Surgery is no small walk in the park. Full anesthesia? no thanks! Scary stuff. And just why has this happened? Gall stones are the result of excessive intake of refined carbohydrates, especially sugar. I haven’t eaten refined carbs in years. And sugar? Only on special occasions! I absolutely hate fried food, and I don’t think I overdo high-cholestrol foods such as eggs or cheese. (Maybe I eat too much chocolate–but even then, I only eat 70% or higher cacao.) I wear size 4 and sometimes 2, which means I’m not over-eating, especially not bad-for-me foods. I’m not a candidate for stones! And I’m not going to take this lying down… especially not on a surgical table. 

Upon further investigation,  I learned that other causes of gallstones are chronic constipation (ahem, that’s me), hereditary factors (I was adopted, so I really don’t know) and stress (I think I live a pretty peaceful life. Well, up until this week.). The Chinese relate gall-bladder disorders with the emotion of anger. I have two beautiful sons and a wonderful husband who loves me. I wouldn’t describe me as “angry.” Oh, and usually gallstones patients are over the age of sixty!

I also found a website that says: “An estimated twenty million Americans have gallbladder disease and approximately 750,000 of them will have their gallbladder removed this year.  The gallbladder  has become a prime target for surgical intervention; in fact, this is the most common type of major surgery….Approximately 80% of all gallstones show no symptoms and may remain”silent” for years. Once symptoms arise, they persist and increase in frequency. The most common triggers for gallbladder attacks are caffeine, chocolate, eggs, dairy products (especially ice cream) and greasy or deep fried foods.”

Some reports claim homeopathy is an effective method of getting rid of gallstones, citing nux vomica, berberis vulagaris and lycopodium as extremely effective. Dandelion and rosemary are effective herbal remedies for gallstones. These two herbs should be added to your meals on a daily basis and you will notice a remarkable change in one to two weeks.

I found a cleanse and fast on several websites that is more or less identical (just slight variations on different sites) that I intend to try. It involves eating 4-5 apples every day for 5 days (to soften the stones) and then on the 5th day, fast on nothing but apples and raw, pressed apple juice, and then at bedtime warm two thirds of a cup of virgin olive oil to body heat and mix with one third a cup of fresh raw lemon juice. The addition of a kidney bean sized peice of raw garlic finely sliced and added to the olive oil and lemon juice mixture will help further. Slowly sip the entire mixture, and then go straight to bed lying on your right side, with the right leg drawn up. In the morning stones will be passed in the stool. Testimonials on several of the sites I read stated that I will see between 40-100 stones! And, once the stones were gone, patients said overwhelmingly that they had more energy and clarity. One problem with gallstones is fatigue. I thought mine was from preschoolers–I could certainly use more energy for parenting!

This procedure may need to be repeated several times for complete clearance of the gall bladder and the liver. I’m going to try it. What have I got to lose, except an(other) appointment with the scalpel? Better go eat another apple!

Curious what happened next? Read, Healing Gallstones Naturally, A Closer Look.

Keeping Up with The Kidlets March 30, 2010

While riding in the car, we were listening to a CD my husband put together for Noah when he was yet in utero. The song Hoppipolla by Icelandic band Sigur Ros came on, and something magical came over my children. Little Noah’s eyes scrunched up in concentration and he bobbed his head to the melody, while Joseph looked dreamily out the window. At the end, he asked me to play it again, and when I did, he said so wistfully, “I could listen to this for one hundred miles…”

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Noah has a little white-washed and sage green rocking chair in his room that is a hand-me-down from his Aunt Shell. He pulled it toward his full-length mirror so he could watch himself rock back and forth, back and forth, each time with a bigger and bigger smile. He looked up at me very excitedly and announced, “Mom! I’m the King of Rock!”

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While we were playing with toys at Nana’s house, little Joseph passed some very audible wind, and rather than saying “excuse me,” broke out with: “Gooooooood morning, Modesto!”

Aside from being a quote from the movie Monsters vs. Aliens, it seemed an ironic and hilarious comment. I wonder what gave him the idea that gas and Modesto are a funny combo?

Odontophobia? New hope, new contest! March 15, 2010

First, my apologies to all the dentists out there. The fact is, I’m scared to death of each and every one of you and have used a variety of dodge-and-avoid tactics to duck out of appointments throughout my life. (Including an incident around age 12 or 13 when I talked my mom into dropping me off for my biannual cleaning, only to split through the back door and catch a bus going in the opposite direction.)

I was one of the lucky ones; My teeth were naturally straight, with nary a cavity. While my brother was pinned down for countless painful drillings and fillings, I white-knuckled through my cleanings and x-rays and somehow managed to remain cavity-free. When I was nineteen, living on my own (with full dental insurance), a dentist declared that all four wisdom teeth should come out because they were poised to push my perfect teeth forward, ruining my smile. Horrified at the thought of four extractions under anesthetic, I declined and–over the last two decades–my teeth have been pushed, have overlapped somewhat across the bottom, and I’ve developed all manner of cavities. What the?!

At this point, my teeth have lost their once-lovely alignment, I have a stain in one that seems to be part of the tooth (needs to be drilled and replaced with a veneer), I need two implants for baby teeth that never fell out and grew back (can you imagine?!) and my teeth just aren’t as white as they once were, thanks to age, coffee and red wine. Sheesh! And let’s not forget those wisdom teeth. Every dentist who’s since taken an x-ray tells me they need to come out. Yeah, I got that, thanks.

We’re talking about thousands of dollars, numerous hours in the dental chair in great discomfort, anesthetic, and medicated downtime during recovery. Let me share an even guiltier secret: because of all this, I’ve been regrettably irresponsible about my children’s dental appointments. (There is no way somebody is going to strap my beautiful babies onto a chair and drill into their heart-melting smiles!)

My guilt has brought me to two recent happy discoveries! I just learned about Waterlase Dentistry, which uses laser energy and a gentle spray of water to perform a wide range of dental procedures– without the heat, vibration, pressure or the noise associated with the dental drill. In fact, Waterlase makes dental work so much faster that the dentist can do more, cutting down on having to return for additional appointments. (I’ll believe it when I try it, but at least I have a glimmer of hope!)

Secondly, Dear Doctor magazine is holding a life-changing contest for smile makeovers. Last year’s winner received a multi-procedure overhaul to his mouth and now sports a perfect, long-lasting smile.  This year, Dear Doctor has increased the number of winners, so chances of being selected are even better!

These give me no excuse but to take responsibility for my dental health.

Dr. Mario Vilardi (president and publisher of Dear Doctor magazine) has appeared on Good Morning America Health, talking about thumb sucking and oral health and pregnancy and oral health.

Car trouble? I should listen to my 5-year-old. March 2, 2010

Late as usual, I was hustling the kids into the car to go to church last Sunday. When I opened the passenger door for my five-year-old Joseph, it scraped right into the curb. Funny, it hadn’t been tight like that the evening before, had it? I didn’t give it another moment of thought. I strapped him in, placed my two-year-old in his car seat and off we went.

As we were driving up the I-5, Joseph said, “Mommy, please stop driving so bumpy.” I smiled and brushed it off: “oh, it’s just the surface of the road.”

Only a little further up the freeway, a helicopter suddenly swept down from the sky. It sounded like it was hovering only 10 or 20 feet overhead. I jerked my head this way and that trying to spot it, while every other car on the road immediately swerved away from me. This must be what criminals in televised car chases feel like. Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do? 

The car began to slow dramatically. My son calmly remarked, “I think we’re out of gas.” No, the indicator read that we were not–and we’ve never run out of gas before, so how did he connect our sudden drop in speed with an empty gas tank? Easy: he’s smarter than I.

Finally, I realized the rear passenger tire had blown out.  It was likely flat before we left the house, causing the door to scrape the curb, and then the bumpy ride. Sigh. I was able to wheel the car to a nearby gas station, and–considering how helpless I apparently am when faced with a vehicle malfunction–was absolutely grateful to have my husband show up and install the spare.

“We should teach you how to do this,” he said. True, yet I’m most disturbed by how I’d ignored countless clues leading up to the event; my attention to detail has left the building. My toddler Noah is amazingly observant. He will remind me if I’ve forgotten my purse or sunglasses; he will tell me where I can find abandoned sippy cups before I start the dishwasher, or advise me to take off my wedding ring before getting in the shower, as is my usual practice.

Maybe I should put him in charge of checking the tire pressure?

Top Ten Things I WON’T Give My Man This Christmas December 22, 2009

Shopping for my husband is nearly impossible. While other men would not be fit to appear in public had their wives not imposed a fashion intervention, my man is very particular about what he wears. The same goes for his penchant for software, hardware, music, video games, tools, boating or camping equipment, you name it. Even when he specifically asks for something, I am left on a wild goose chase to nail down the exact make and model that he would most enjoy…and I am invariably incorrect. 

And, while I am somewhat of a (ahem)  tightwad, my husband is comparatively more loose with his money and will buy exactly what he wants exactly when he wants it. What is boils down to is that it is nearly impossible to shop for gifts for him. To add to the pressure, he is a wonderfully thoughtful and generous gift-giver, who (I just know!) will present me (pun intended) with a variety of intuitive, sentimental yet practical gifts on Christmas morning. Mind you, thanks to his good love and our holiday-crazed offspring, I  already have  everything I’ve ever truly desired, so everything else is Sephora, er, icing on the cake.

I just want to give him something that says: “I know you so well, and here’s X to prove it!”

In the midst of my dilemma (and because I do know him well), I came up with a Top Ten List of gifts that he would–without question–NOT want to receive.

1. Neck ties or woollen scarves (Ties and his neck: nary the twain shall meet)

2. A set of hankies to match the neckties

3. A pocket watch (Among other things, his iPhone does tell the time. Besides, there’s probably a pocket watch app anyway)

4. A man-purse 

5. A gift certificate to get his ear pierced (the only jewelry he has ever acceded to is his wedding ring)

6. A dozen little throw pillows for our bed, each showcasing an applique, sequins or other adornment rendering them “useless” as a pillow.

7. A flask (To quote Jim Gaffigan, “I think giving someone a flask is a nice way of saying: ‘Hey you seem like a drunk on the go… This would be good for you in your car.’”)

8. A software package barring adult online content

9. A carton of cigarrettes (he has a zero tolerance policy on smoking)

10. A life-size cardboard cut-out of Robert Pattinson.

Having the same problem? What WOULDN’T your man want to receive?