Life would be wonderful…if it weren’t for the imaginary hardships May 10, 2010

The following is a version of my column which appears in San Clemente Presbyterian’s NEWSBREAK magazine. Editors are welcome to use it as a FREE REPRINT.

Sometimes I don’t need a mirror to see my own reflection. My five-year-old son Joseph is a perfectly capable alternative.

Lately, when my answer to one of his requests is “no” (although I am often guilty of indulging my children), Joseph has begun whining, “You NEVER let me _____!” (Fill in blank with any number of things we DO let him do, but just not that moment.)

I’ve talked with him about it, and I believe he now understands that “not now” does not mean “never,” but in truth, he sees a bigger problem. Joseph perceives himself a victim; what he desires is withheld from him and therefore he is in pain.  I would like to guide him to realize that he’s not suffering imaginary hardships—in fact, his life is pretty sweet!

But is this God’s view of us? Is our Father watching over His children whining about our limitations, descrying ourselves as victims of wrongdoing or lacking in His abundance?

Why do we always feel like we’re getting the short end of the stick?

In many ways, we impose our own imaginary hardships on ourselves. We think we can’t do something because we don’t have the resources, talent, courage, opportunity… gifts God happens to have in abundance.

We must ask ourselves: What am I not letting myself do?

A friend of mine who is the mother of three advised me to practice using positive language with Joseph instead of dead-ending his hopes with the word no. “It makes a world of difference,” she assured me.

True enough. Sometimes the answer to my prayer is “Not now” or “It won’t happen how you imagine it.” But God never says “Never.” It will require repeated assurance to help my child accept that mom and dad are lovingly parenting with his best interests in mind–but how many of us trust our Lord to look out for ours?

We can’t use God’s gifts boldly until we’ve received them. We haven’t received them if we perceive ourselves lacking. My husband and I are responsible for raising a confident child who counts at least one blessing each day, encouraging gratitude for all he–we–have been given. If we know how to give good gifts to our children, how much more will our Father in heaven give good gifts if we ask him! (Matthew 7:11, Luke 11:13)

I’m going to demonstrate letting go of expectations, in an effort to better appreciate when good gifts appear. Blessings don’t always look like we think they should—until we learn to recognize them.

Other NewsBreak Columns:

Closing The Gap Of Longing For Closeness

The Gifts Of Loaves And Fishes

Moving From Worry To Wonder

NewsBreak Column: Losing The Weight Of The Past

Closing the Gap of Longing for Closeness April 11, 2010

My column below was originally printed in NewsBreak (April 2010). It is available for free reprint.

Losing Jesus on the cross left the disciples with some serious self-image issues. Without Him, who were they, really? Until He rose on the third day, they were more or less adrift, left to ponder the choices they’d made, the homes they’d left, the uncertainty of what lay ahead.

We live in an increasingly narcissistic world. Social media exults the minutia of our less-than-newsworthy daily tasks. Reality TV has made “stars” out of those willing to risk personal safety, reveal intimate details of their marriage and child-rearing, gratify unbridled ego trips or engage in promiscuous encounters on camera.

In many ways, the amount of time I’ve devoted to my spiritual path–through constant self-reflection and self-awareness–is just as self-centered. Hi, my name is Rebecca. I’m an egomaniac.

About a year ago, I discovered the love-filled adventure of forgiveness. I let go of everything that happened only a minute before, and released everything that may happen in the next, leaving only enough room to listen and respond as God would have me. (Hint: His advice is often “love and forgive.”) When I offer only love and forgiveness, others act so loveable! Who doesn’t glow around the people who love, forgive and adore them?

Yet, I still struggled to feel connected. It didn’t make sense. To be with Jesus is to be in joy. So what gives? Consider the individual prayers God must answer; He has taken a personal interest in each one of us. Imagine if He were too busy thinking about His own stuff?

The disciples shared the Messiah’s interests; they went where He went because they loved Him. When I replaced time thinking about my needs with the interests of others–loving them as He has loved me–my joy has been complete. As a result, I’ve run some inconvenient errands. But God has unleashed in me a happiness occurring minute by minute in all circumstances.

When you imagine people getting along in a family, among friends, or in a workplace, they are engaged in a shared project, shared joke or similar interest. To reconnect with loved ones, take heed of 1Corinthians13:5 and stop keeping record of wrongs. To make new friends, we need to stop telling our own story and start listening to others’.

Worried you won’t have a good time? One person’s enthusiasm for jazz or baseball is another person’s snoozefest, right? Engaging in other people’s interests demonstrates respect and affection, allowing you to grow closer and drop unfounded judgments. Today, I know more about Star Wars than I ever deemed necessary, but I enjoy a closeness with my sons and husband I would have otherwise missed.

If you’re an egomaniac like me, you may be thinking, “But I want others to take a greater interest in me.” With all your new interests, you will be more interesting. The people you’ve gifted with your attention will feel closer to you. As you give, so shall you receive.

The gifts of loaves and fishes December 3, 2009

I wrote this story for the December 2009 issue of San Clemente Presbyterian’s NewsBreak.

Shortly before the first Christmas, Joseph informed his betrothed, the very pregnant Mary, that she would be undertaking a lengthy trip, by donkey, over rough terrain. If you’ve ever traveled a long distance as—or with—a woman in her final days of gestation, you understand that Mary may have endured some of the worst holiday travel in history. How do you say, are we there yet in Aramaic?

When the couple arrived in Bethlehem and could find only shelter with livestock, from the standpoint of modern marriage, I have to wonder whether they were reduced to squabbling, stress, or simply exhausted disappointment.

And then a miracle occurred.

Mary gave birth and wrapped the Child who would be Prince of Peace in mere swaddling clothes—and she and Joseph marveled at the knowledge that His birth was as God ordained.

For many families, anticipation of the holidays brings a combination of joy, fond memories—and anxiety. We are already busy enough. How can we afford all these gifts? What about broken or tense relations between relatives, families suffering from divorce, separation, or job loss? Are we blessed on our own bumpy road to Bethlehem?

Christmas offers a bright new possibility of giving the peace of Christ–that we might know Christ’s peace.

This Advent, let us extend our God-given forgiveness to one another. Certainly, you can’t give away what you don’t have. But, through Him, we have all been forgiven–and indeed abundantly so. When we choose not to judge (or begrudge), and let go of past wrong-doings, that small yet tremendously healing gesture is multiplied exponentially, much like loaves and fishes.

Ask yourself whether you want to be right or have peace; Do you want restitution or resolution? Discard all “debts” owed to you, or your personal circumstances, by having the courage to look upon them as Jesus does–with infinite love and potential–and in doing so you will find peace.

Offer yourself the same mercy: Forgive yourself your past failings. Jesus does. Amend for long hours of work or worry by laughing with your children, spending time with your spouse, family, or a neighbor in need. As the body of Christ, within us lies the Holy Spirit, and we can help move His grace through the world by doing His work, and in doing so be lifted up.

Moving from worry to wonder August 24, 2009

The following was published in San Clemente Presbyterian’s NEWSBREAK magazine. Editors are welcome to use it as a FREE REPRINT, simply by adding my byline. 

Is something troubling you? You may have heard, “God never gives us more than we can handle.” In times of darkness or struggle, it’s easy to speculate whether God must love you the most to give you such a load to carry! In fact, He loves you so much, He doesn’t want you to worry at all.

The worry-free life may seem like an absolute impossibility, until—and here’s the key to pretty much everything—you start to see your troubles from God’s point of view. What do your problems look like to Him?

Imagine a teacher presenting a tough assignment to his students. He expects the class to begin to research possibilities, discuss the topic together and consult those who are experienced in the topic, and hopefully, to learn and grow. What if, instead, they only sat behind their desks, worrying about how they’ll how they will ever find answers, or get the assignment done on time?

Our Father wants to teach us, shape us, send us on a new path, or stop us from going a step further in the wrong direction. He may throw us a curveball to help end cycles no longer working for us, or fix something we didn’t, in our limited view, know was broken.

When faced with a “life assignment,” does He hope we will lay awake at night worrying? That we will cry out, that we will ask, “Why me?” Of course not. When God allows us our newest challenge, He does so with the loving expectation that we might be inspired to new action, to look at our life from a different perspective. He wants us to shift gears, be creative, find a new path or method, and cooperate with people who share our goal and can help–or benefit from its resolution.

The author Harold Stephens said, “There is a great difference between worry and concern. A worried person sees a problem, and a concerned person solves a problem.” The ultimate weapon against worry is action.

I don’t know why you are struggling with a particular problem, or what lesson God intends for you to learn, but I do know that God does. Just ask Him.

NewsBreak Column: Oh, Thank God! March 2, 2009

The following was published in San Clemente Presbyterian’s NEWSBREAK magazine. Editors are welcome to use it as a FREE REPRINT, simply by adding my byline. 

My favorite prayer is thank you. When I chose to give up “my way” and surrendered to God’s plan for me, every facet of my world turned from darkness to light. Looking back, I realize how He used my hardships to transform me. A dissolved marriage gave me tremendous gratitude for my new husband—and inspires me to be a better wife; Failed attempts at having a baby make me an enormously committed and enthusiastic parent.
 
For all our Father has done for us, He is worthy of praise—yet His will is done through you and me. When someone helps in even the smallest way, sharing your gratitude satisfies the longing we all have for recognition, and acknowledges His presence and power.
 
Now, for the first time in my life, I’ve struggled to find work. For months. Feeling unwanted in the workplace and failing to contribute financially has challenged my self-image, and made me just a little ungrateful. Rather than pray for things to change for me, I need to begin praying to be changed for things.
 
It would be easy to blame the economy or outside conditions, but God is not swayed by these things. With God all things are possible, but more importantly, what God would have us do is what we want to do. Best of all, we can’t fail when following His plan.
 
The marketplace has changed, but so have my priorities. Truthfully, there is nowhere I’d rather be than with my children, and that’s squarely where God has placed me. I was reinvented the day I became a mother, and I will be transformed again when God reveals my next calling.
 
He would have no means of transforming us if we blindly went along without a bump in the road to direct us to a new chapter of His plan for us. The waiting seems unbearable, but let’s not mistake delay for denial. He will show us the way, in His good time.  As T.S. Eliot wrote, “To make an end is to make a beginning.”
 
My job now, it would seem, is simply to be grateful.

NewsBreak Column: Losing The Weight of The Past January 27, 2009

The following was published in San Clemente Presbyterian’s NEWSBREAK magazine. Editors are welcome to use it as a FREE REPRINT, simply by adding my byline. 
 
In January, most of us strive to become less “sugar plum” and more “fairy.”  This year, what if we lost the weight of our short-comings, our mistakes and past errors in judgment?
 
Over the last few weeks, I’ve determined to let go of everything that happened only a minute before, and release everything that may happen in the next. It’s like looking at the world through a keyhole.
 
At first, it was difficult to let go of my “wisdom,” knowledge gained from the road I’ve traveled. But, considering that I (hopefully!) know twice as much as I did 20 years ago, and may assume I’ll know twice as much in the next 20, what I claim to know right now can’t be the full picture. So, I threw out my own opinions and judgments, and lived in the moment–the holy instant of right now.
 
In this small place, I only have room to listen and respond as God would have me.
 
I thought it might be freeing to forgive and forget the dumb mistakes I’ve made, but surprisingly, the real joy came from letting go of everyone else’s mistakes. When I communicate with my husband, my children, or co-workers, I see only their “loveableness”, forgetting the misunderstanding over dinner, the whining at the grocery store, the unintentionally sharp comment.
 
The results have been astounding. When I look upon others as only loveable, only good, what I receive is love and goodness. Who doesn’t glow around the people who love. forgive and adore them?
 
As Paul wrote in his letter to the Corinthians, love keeps no record of wrongs. More importantly, Jesus knows all there is to know about us and still loves us unconditionally. When Jesus forgives us our sins, He’s also saying, “We’re done with the past. Stop living in it.” Holding onto shame, regret or anger is the same as holding onto the past. Imagine what a gift it is to be around you who follows His lead, loving and forgiving all?
 
If we want a new beginning, if we hope for transformation of ourselves or our close relationships, we need to agree with the Lord who saved us, and give up the chains of the past. We need to see only the lovable in ourselves and others and put past failings where they belong—in the past. Without the extra “weight” of the past, what is left is the wholly lovable person God Himself created, in His own image.
 
This year, I challenge you to do two things. First, to accept your Father’s forgiveness; To really believe you are washed of your sins, and restored to the truth of your undeniable “lovableness”. The second is a little tougher. I’d like you to forgive everyone else.

NewsBreak Column: Gift Giving During A Tough Economy – Christmas Light November 30, 2008

The following was published in San Clemente Presbyterian’s NEWSBREAK magazine. Editors are welcome to use it as a FREE REPRINT, simply by adding my byline. Thank you and Merry Christmas!

 

While making our lists and checking them twice, my husband and I dubbed our holiday gift-giving plan, “Christmas Light.” Not the kind of light that decks the front lawn, or twinkles from atop a Douglas fir—or even the Light of the world. Our “light” is a synonym for “fat-free”, back-to-basics, no frills. Remembering Christmases past with abundant gifts under the tree, I feel a little like the prodigal son, returning humbly, yet hopeful.

 

Whoever I ask about their all-time favorite Christmas gift, without fail, I’m told a story about a small but thoughtful gesture which left a lasting impression. No one has ever mentioned a material item that did not hold powerful emotional significance. When the wise men brought frankincense. gold and myrrh for Baby Jesus, what resonated with Mary was not their value, but what they represented—gifts suitable for a King.

 

Christmas itself represents the lasting impression of a small, but meaningful gesture: The humble birth of a baby to a young woman faithful to God. We continue to celebrate that birth around the world because of the Life it represents.

 

Two Christmases ago, after months of frustration and disagreement over what to name our unborn child, my husband presented a card addressed to my belly. In it, he shared his desire to call our baby Noah, a Biblical name I had always loved, but my unbelieving husband had not. His gracious acceptance has left a lasting mark on our family. Two years before that, his gift to me was his mother’s wedding ring and a proposal. This is a man who knows how to give good gifts!

 

This year, I’m going to approach gift-giving the same way. In order to do this, I must thoughtfully consider what is fundamentally important to the receiver, embrace the workings of their heart. Rather than standing in line for the latest whatever, I will stand for something greater.

 

I’ll give gifts that represent something greater; not only will the thought be what counts, it will matter most.