Life would be wonderful…if it weren’t for the imaginary hardships May 10, 2010

The following is a version of my column which appears in San Clemente Presbyterian’s NEWSBREAK magazine. Editors are welcome to use it as a FREE REPRINT.

Sometimes I don’t need a mirror to see my own reflection. My five-year-old son Joseph is a perfectly capable alternative.

Lately, when my answer to one of his requests is “no” (although I am often guilty of indulging my children), Joseph has begun whining, “You NEVER let me _____!” (Fill in blank with any number of things we DO let him do, but just not that moment.)

I’ve talked with him about it, and I believe he now understands that “not now” does not mean “never,” but in truth, he sees a bigger problem. Joseph perceives himself a victim; what he desires is withheld from him and therefore he is in pain.  I would like to guide him to realize that he’s not suffering imaginary hardships—in fact, his life is pretty sweet!

But is this God’s view of us? Is our Father watching over His children whining about our limitations, descrying ourselves as victims of wrongdoing or lacking in His abundance?

Why do we always feel like we’re getting the short end of the stick?

In many ways, we impose our own imaginary hardships on ourselves. We think we can’t do something because we don’t have the resources, talent, courage, opportunity… gifts God happens to have in abundance.

We must ask ourselves: What am I not letting myself do?

A friend of mine who is the mother of three advised me to practice using positive language with Joseph instead of dead-ending his hopes with the word no. “It makes a world of difference,” she assured me.

True enough. Sometimes the answer to my prayer is “Not now” or “It won’t happen how you imagine it.” But God never says “Never.” It will require repeated assurance to help my child accept that mom and dad are lovingly parenting with his best interests in mind–but how many of us trust our Lord to look out for ours?

We can’t use God’s gifts boldly until we’ve received them. We haven’t received them if we perceive ourselves lacking. My husband and I are responsible for raising a confident child who counts at least one blessing each day, encouraging gratitude for all he–we–have been given. If we know how to give good gifts to our children, how much more will our Father in heaven give good gifts if we ask him! (Matthew 7:11, Luke 11:13)

I’m going to demonstrate letting go of expectations, in an effort to better appreciate when good gifts appear. Blessings don’t always look like we think they should—until we learn to recognize them.

Other NewsBreak Columns:

Closing The Gap Of Longing For Closeness

The Gifts Of Loaves And Fishes

Moving From Worry To Wonder

NewsBreak Column: Losing The Weight Of The Past

10 Loving tips for real TLC – Do these now, and be happy April 28, 2010

Every day, we owe it to ourselves to take steps toward leading a healthier, happier existence. There are endless possibilities–and rewards!–for good self care, such as meditation, exercise and appreciation of nature. Connecting to your higher power is an excellent path to peace and love, of both yourself and others. 

Today’s amazing and inspiring guest post is from board certified internist, certified holistic physician and national radio personality, Michael Finkelstein, M.D., breaks it down into a series of simple tasks.
 
To live more skillfully, he encourages individuals to view life as a set of opportunities, and to regard every aspect of our journey as an important piece of a collective puzzle. 

Follow your own advice- While advice from others is nice, recognize that no one is in a better position to take care of you than yourself.  You have likely given friends and loved ones guidance many times in the past.  Return the favor to yourself.
Exert self control-  Resist just one urge to eat something unhealthy, crack your knuckles, or say something bad about someone.  You’ll feel better for it and will be more likely to resist the urge again at some point in the future. (See my post on how “good” behavior actually improves self control!)
Forgive yourself for a mistake- Mistakes are inevitable.  Identify one thing you’ve done that was unplanned.  Release any guilt you’ve been harboring because of it and recognize something positive that resulted from it.
Reconsider your needs- Identify something you own that isn’t expensive, and quantify it’s inherent value – a picture your child drew for you; a love note your husband scribbled on a napkin on your first date; family heirloom…finding the value in inexpensive things will help you reevaluate your need for excessive amounts of money that we have a tendency to crave.
Celebrate your age- Consider how fast the joyful times in your life seem to have passed and rejoice in the time you have ahead of you.  Commend yourself on how your experiences have enriched your character and think about how you’d be different had you never had them.
Learn something from your children- Marvel at the ease with which a child interacts with the natural world, and make an effort to release some of the fear that’s attached to our boundaries as adults.
Defy your schedule- When planning your week, make a commitment on one day to wake up when the sun comes up and go to sleep when the sun goes down.  Honoring the sun’s cycle will keep you more in tune with nature, and ultimately healthier.
Thank someone for something- Considering what a person has done for you lately will  help you realize and appreciate what you have
Commend yourself for a job well done- We are our greatest teachers, so it’s important to bestow praise upon ourselves when we deserve it.  

Prior to developing his celebrated Skillful Living concept, Dr. Finkelstein was the Medical Director of Northern Westchester Hospital in Bedford NY and the Assistant Director to the Department of Medicine at Lenox Hill Hospital in NYC.

The gifts of loaves and fishes December 3, 2009

I wrote this story for the December 2009 issue of San Clemente Presbyterian’s NewsBreak.

Shortly before the first Christmas, Joseph informed his betrothed, the very pregnant Mary, that she would be undertaking a lengthy trip, by donkey, over rough terrain. If you’ve ever traveled a long distance as—or with—a woman in her final days of gestation, you understand that Mary may have endured some of the worst holiday travel in history. How do you say, are we there yet in Aramaic?

When the couple arrived in Bethlehem and could find only shelter with livestock, from the standpoint of modern marriage, I have to wonder whether they were reduced to squabbling, stress, or simply exhausted disappointment.

And then a miracle occurred.

Mary gave birth and wrapped the Child who would be Prince of Peace in mere swaddling clothes—and she and Joseph marveled at the knowledge that His birth was as God ordained.

For many families, anticipation of the holidays brings a combination of joy, fond memories—and anxiety. We are already busy enough. How can we afford all these gifts? What about broken or tense relations between relatives, families suffering from divorce, separation, or job loss? Are we blessed on our own bumpy road to Bethlehem?

Christmas offers a bright new possibility of giving the peace of Christ–that we might know Christ’s peace.

This Advent, let us extend our God-given forgiveness to one another. Certainly, you can’t give away what you don’t have. But, through Him, we have all been forgiven–and indeed abundantly so. When we choose not to judge (or begrudge), and let go of past wrong-doings, that small yet tremendously healing gesture is multiplied exponentially, much like loaves and fishes.

Ask yourself whether you want to be right or have peace; Do you want restitution or resolution? Discard all “debts” owed to you, or your personal circumstances, by having the courage to look upon them as Jesus does–with infinite love and potential–and in doing so you will find peace.

Offer yourself the same mercy: Forgive yourself your past failings. Jesus does. Amend for long hours of work or worry by laughing with your children, spending time with your spouse, family, or a neighbor in need. As the body of Christ, within us lies the Holy Spirit, and we can help move His grace through the world by doing His work, and in doing so be lifted up.

NewsBreak Column: Losing The Weight of The Past January 27, 2009

The following was published in San Clemente Presbyterian’s NEWSBREAK magazine. Editors are welcome to use it as a FREE REPRINT, simply by adding my byline. 
 
In January, most of us strive to become less “sugar plum” and more “fairy.”  This year, what if we lost the weight of our short-comings, our mistakes and past errors in judgment?
 
Over the last few weeks, I’ve determined to let go of everything that happened only a minute before, and release everything that may happen in the next. It’s like looking at the world through a keyhole.
 
At first, it was difficult to let go of my “wisdom,” knowledge gained from the road I’ve traveled. But, considering that I (hopefully!) know twice as much as I did 20 years ago, and may assume I’ll know twice as much in the next 20, what I claim to know right now can’t be the full picture. So, I threw out my own opinions and judgments, and lived in the moment–the holy instant of right now.
 
In this small place, I only have room to listen and respond as God would have me.
 
I thought it might be freeing to forgive and forget the dumb mistakes I’ve made, but surprisingly, the real joy came from letting go of everyone else’s mistakes. When I communicate with my husband, my children, or co-workers, I see only their “loveableness”, forgetting the misunderstanding over dinner, the whining at the grocery store, the unintentionally sharp comment.
 
The results have been astounding. When I look upon others as only loveable, only good, what I receive is love and goodness. Who doesn’t glow around the people who love. forgive and adore them?
 
As Paul wrote in his letter to the Corinthians, love keeps no record of wrongs. More importantly, Jesus knows all there is to know about us and still loves us unconditionally. When Jesus forgives us our sins, He’s also saying, “We’re done with the past. Stop living in it.” Holding onto shame, regret or anger is the same as holding onto the past. Imagine what a gift it is to be around you who follows His lead, loving and forgiving all?
 
If we want a new beginning, if we hope for transformation of ourselves or our close relationships, we need to agree with the Lord who saved us, and give up the chains of the past. We need to see only the lovable in ourselves and others and put past failings where they belong—in the past. Without the extra “weight” of the past, what is left is the wholly lovable person God Himself created, in His own image.
 
This year, I challenge you to do two things. First, to accept your Father’s forgiveness; To really believe you are washed of your sins, and restored to the truth of your undeniable “lovableness”. The second is a little tougher. I’d like you to forgive everyone else.