Motherhood, Marriage and Other Wild Rides

Health, Happiness and the Pursuit of Mommyhood

Twelve Tips for Handling Conflict with a Coach (Part II) October 16, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — rjlacko @ 10:03 am

Last week we talked about spotting coaches and teachers who are negatively affecting, or, in fact, harming children using bullying tactics in an effort to “motivate.” (Part I: When Your Child’s Coach or Teacher is the Bully – What Makes a Good Leaders) At some point over the course of your child’s athletic career, it may become necessary to confront a coach with a problem. Todd Patkin suggests twelve things to help you turn “the talk” into a score, not a fumble.

Understand that it might be stressful. This may sound obvious, but the fact is, people are often surprised by how stressful a tough conversation with a coach can be. Especially if the coach gives vehement pushback or is less than civil, something as seemingly simple as, “Since I’m around him all the time, do you mind if I share with you how my son best receives feedback?” can turn into a tense, nerve-wracking confrontation. Just be prepared for the possibility!

Let your child go to bat first, if possible. If the situation isn’t too serious, and if you and your child are comfortable, allow her to talk to the coach before stepping in yourself. For instance, it’s realistic for a child to approach her coach on a simple issue such as, “Hey, Coach, what can I do to get more playing time?” It may even be the case that the coach will respond more constructively to her than to you. (As always, it’s appropriate to still keep a close eye on the situation to make sure that your child isn’t in over her head and that there are no adverse effects.)

Get your child’s permission. If you think it’s best that you be the one to approach your child’s coach, get the go-ahead from him before you have “the talk.” You don’t want him to feel blindsided or embarrassed, and it’s smart to get his take on how the conversation might affect his relationship with his coach and teammates.

Keep the focus on your child. Even if your day job happens to be sports-related, it’s best to limit the conversation to issues that concern the well-being of your child. For instance, you’re well within your rights to talk about your daughter’s mental and physical treatment, as well as to offer insight into what motivates her. However, try to avoid giving general advice regarding how the coach manages the team, determines playing time, or relates to other  players. And (as is common knowledge in the relationship realm), always use “I” statements like “I feel” or “I think” instead of “you always” and “you never.”

Walk a mile in the coach’s cleats. It’s true: There really are two sides to every story, and coaching can sometimes be a tough and thankless job. If you’re having an uncomfortable conversation with a coach, make a sincere effort to understand his perspective. Try to listen as much as you speak. Remember, some coaches are volunteers who don’t get paid. Others may have to answer to bosses or administrators. And still others may have been placed in a tough position while trying to accommodate other parents and/or players.

Don’t be impulsive. In virtually every situation (not just those that involve your child and his coach!), it’s best to think before you speak and act. Give the coach a chance to get to know your child before stepping in, and try not to speak up until you determine that the undesired behavior is a pattern that doesn’t seem to be changing—unless, of course, it is harmful. Not being impulsive also means refraining from making snide comments or yelling criticisms during games. Handling yourself appropriately will set you up to receive respect and civility when and if you do  have the talk.

Say no to gossip. Especially if other parents have similar grievances, it can be tempting to criticize the coach as a group behind his or her back. Resist this urge! You don’t want the coach to hear your complaints from someone else; and remember, gossiping does nothing to change the situation for the better. If you have shared grievances with other parents and decide to confront the coach directly, refrain from listing off the names of other moms and dads who feel the same way—you don’t want the coach to feel that all his players’ parents have ganged up on him. And along these lines, don’t get involved in issues that concern other children and their parents.

Especially if it’s serious, schedule the conversation. Don’t assume that your child’s coach has time just before or immediately following the next practice or game. At these points, the coach may be preoccupied or stressed, and the conversation might accidentally become a public event. Instead, let the coach know that you’d like to discuss something important, and ask her to suggest a good time. (Remember, face-to-face is usually best, as email exchanges and even phone conversations can foster misunderstandings.)

Be polite. You’re always reminding your child to be polite and respectful, so make sure to model that advice yourself! Remember, this is not an excuse to be aggressive or to attack the coach. Instead, think about what you’d like the ideal outcome to be, and tailor your words and actions to help achieve that end. Also, don’t make threats—including threatening to quit the team! (In fact, if there are aspects of the coach’s leadership that you admire, it’s a good idea to start the conversation with those sincere compliments so the coach knows you aren’t just “out to get him.”)

Be sure to explain the problem. Asking a coach to stop a certain behavior or to relate to your child in a different way is important, but it’s also wise to explain why the current behavior isn’t working. Make sure the coach knows that your child is being adversely affected, and how. In many cases, the problem may simply be that the coach doesn’t realize that her way of doing things is causing harm.

Offer solutions. After talking about the problem, offer solutions if you feel comfortable doing so. A coach who truly cares will want what is best for your child too, and he’ll probably appreciate your advice if it is offered in a nonaggressive and respectful manner. Also, be sure to give him a chance to apologize and fix the problem after your conversation.

If you have to turn in the jersey, do so respectfully. Sometimes, your child’s relationship with a coach might not work despite your sincere efforts. Don’t make a hasty decision in the heat of the moment. But if, after taking some time to think and discuss the situation with your child, you feel that your last resort—quitting the team—is the only option left, have a private meeting with the coach to explain why.

Have you had “the talk” with a coach or teacher? What were the results?

Todd Patkin is the author of Finding Happiness: One Man’s Quest to Beat Depression and Anxiety and—Finally—Let the Sunshine In. Todd lives with his wonderful wife, Yadira, their amazing son, Josh, and two great dogs, Tucker and  Hunter.


When Your Child’s Coach or Teacher is the Bully – What Makes a Good Leader October 9, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — rjlacko @ 11:02 am

“Every year, we all hear stories and read headlines about overly intense, aggressive, and even abusive coaches,” points out Todd Patkin, author of Finding Happiness: One Man’s Quest to Beat Depression and Anxiety and—Finally—Let the Sunshine In. “These men and women are so focused on winning at any cost that they bully, berate, embarrass, and insult their players, which can cause great damage to these young people’s self-esteem, confidence, and overall emotional well-being…on and off the field.”

Patkin urges parents to stay aware of how coaches interact with their children and what type of influence they’re having, and most importantly, to hold them accountable.

“I like winning as much as anyone, and I definitely think that one of a coach’s goals should be to help his or her team hone their skills and perform at as high a level as possible,” he says. “But parents and coaches alike should remember that what constitutes a great coach isn’t a winning season—it’s a leadership style that builds up, nurtures, and mentors young athletes in a way that makes them more  confident, motivated, and capable human beings.”

In our family’s case, the “coach” in question was the music teacher. My son was rehearsing afterschool and weekends for a school production of Cinderella. I was shocked to observe how the children were treated during these rehearsals. Both this tenured teacher and his aide made sarastic, shaming comments when children missed lines or cues, and berated those waiting impatiently for their scene. Yelling at the kids and name-calling carried on throughout every rehearsal. It was downright ugly. More surprising, I wasn’t the only parent attending the rehearsals. Several moms sat observing this but said nothing. Have we become complacent in our goal of a “winning” result?

Here, Patkin offers some tips for parents to use when evaluating their children’s coaches, as well as standards of behavior every coach should strive to meet:

Realize that harsh coaching methods do cause damage. There’s no question that harsh coaching methods, such as calling players out, getting in their faces, and “motivating” them through fear, do more harm than good. In the short term, these tactics cause anxiety, shame, and low self-esteem. Over time, a bullied athlete’s weakened confidence and sense of self-worth can eradicate motivation and love for the game. And worst of all, it can transfer to other areas of the young person’s life, making him or her less confident  socially and academically. After all, it’s a short step from believing I’m not good enough on the field to I don’t have what it takes to succeed at all.

“I believe that some coaches may think that their tactics are working if their teams are performing well or improving,” Patkin shares. “But what they don’t know is that their star player dreads practice and has a knot of anxiety in his stomach for days before a game. Remember, it’s your responsibility as a parent to make sure that your child’s coach is not negatively impacting her love for the game, and much more importantly, her overall self-esteem in all areas  of her life for years to come.”

Think about what a coach’s job really is. The coach’s goal is to teach and guide young people who are in the midst of their mental, emotional, and physical development. Ideally, what a coach teaches during practice will also help kids develop the skills they’ll need to succeed in many other areas for the rest of their lives. When you look at it that way, coaching is as much about growing children through positive motivation and attitude as it is about imparting the mechanics of swinging a bat or kicking a ball.

“I know from personal experience that success in any area of life is achieved mainly through encouragement and positive reinforcement,” Patkin explains. “It’s every bit as important for your child to feel valued as it is to make sure they’re learning the rules of the game.”

Watch a replay of the coach’s motivations. Is she in it for winning (and only winning), or does she want to make a difference in young people’s lives? While there’s nothing wrong with wanting to win, make sure that your child’s coach does not use her position primarily to brag about her successful seasons and coaching record.

“To some extent, a coach’s goals should match the level of athletics in which your child is engaged,” Patkin adds. “For instance, if he is doing  coach-pitch baseball, his coach’s main motivation should definitely  be centered around having fun and helping kids. But if your son is a high school baseball player and his team has a legitimate chance to go all the way to the state championship, it’s okay for the coach to put more of an emphasis on winning vs. losing…as long as the players’ physical and psychological well-being are still a firm first priority.”

Has the coach done some emotional intelligence warm-ups? Everyone knows that a coach should have a broad knowledge of his or her sport. But were you aware that coaches should also strive to possess a high level of emotional intelligence? If you aren’t familiar with the term, emotional intelligence is a quality that enables you to be empathetic, an effective communicator, to navigate conflict, etc. If you’re emotionally intelligent, you’re better able to manage your own emotions, pick up on what others are feeling, and react constructively  to setbacks—all of which are qualities that coaches should strive to have.

“Remember, everyone, but especially the young, can be made or broken by others’ words,” points out Patkin. “A coach—who is also a leader and mentor—has the responsibility to make sure that he or she is setting kids up for present and future success, not filling them with self-doubt and hurting their self-esteem. If you come to believe that the coach’s words aren’t benefiting the players and may even be hurting them, don’t be afraid to act, whether you speak to the coach or even try to find a different team for your child.”

Does the coach score points through caring? It’s true: People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care. And in sports, it’s crucial that coaches care about athletes as people, not just as players. Watch to see if your child’s coach gets to know her on an individual basis and incorporates that knowledge into their regular interactions. It’s always a good sign if, for instance, a coach keeps tabs on your daughter’s academic achievements and compliments her for doing well on a test, or her abilities in other aspects of her life.

“Coaches should always show love, because most people simply don’t get enough of it!” Patkin asserts. “Showing genuine interest and caring is the greatest motivator I know of because people, kids included, will do anything to keep getting those things. And when players know that they mean more to their coaches than the numbers on their jerseys, they’ll naturally have a greater desire to excel.”

Does the coach strike out through criticism? Criticism: It has to happen in order for improvement to take place. But there’s definitely a right way and a wrong way to go about it. Many famous coaches in sports history have chosen the wrong way: berating players and shaming them in front of the team, insulting them for making mistakes, and delivering advice in anger. Unfortunately, these approaches tend to only alienate players and make coaches an object of fear rather than respect.

“Here are a few rules of thumb I suggest following to evaluate a coach when it comes to criticism,” shares Patkin. “First, he should criticize only in private, not in public. A coach should pull a player aside for a one-on-one discussion, not yell at him in front of the whole team. Also, a good coach should make sure the player knows he cares about more than just  the mistake. Ideally, he’ll try to accompany each criticism with a few compliments. Remember, we all tend to be our own worst critics—even kids. Many young athletes will tend to focus on what they’ve done wrong, not the many things they’ve done well. The ratio of compliments to criticism they receive from their coaches can shape their self-perception for a long time to come.”

Does the coach scout each practice for all-stars? It’s practically impossible for anyone to hear too many good things about themselves. On the sports field, compliments act as confidence—and thus performance—boosters, and they also improve motivation, team spirit, determination, and more. With that in mind, a good coach will always start each practice with the intention of catching as many players as possible doing well, then praise them in public and  in private whenever the opportunity arises.

“And if she wants to go the extra mile, a great coach might even send out a team newsletter that includes short write-ups of players who improve, who are team players, who give their all in practice, etc.,” Patkin adds. “Again, kids will work hard to keep getting recognized because it simply feels good. Who knows—they might remember a coach’s praise for the rest of their lives!”

“Here’s a great saying I’ve found to be true: People generally perform at the level that is expected of them,” reports Patkin. “So without putting negative pressure on the athletes, your child’s coach should let them know that she believes in their ability to accomplish great things.

“If you’re still not convinced, consider the well-known study conducted by Harvard’s Robert Rosenthal in the mid-sixties. Teachers were given a list of students in their classes who were supposedly on the cusp of an academic growth spurt—but in reality, the children on the list had been randomly selected. Now, here’s the interesting part: That school year, the children who had been identified as ‘special’ performed much better than their peers because the teachers had expected them to achieve and treated them accordingly. Look for a coach who expects the best from her players and you won’t be disappointed.”

If you are concerned  that a coach’s attitude or actions are harmful to your child, discuss the situation with your child before approaching the coach so that your child doesn’t feel blindsided or betrayed by your involvement. Ultimately, no sport or tournament or trophy is worth sacrificing your child’s self-esteem and emotional well-being.”

Has your child experienced bullying by a coach or teacher? What did you do?

Next week: Twelve Tips for Handling Conflict with a Coach